If you think that as an expat in Indonesia you can be with any girls you want, you're wrong. Many of them would never date a foreigner for a whole variety of reasons.
As I love to do some generalizing and stereotyping, I've listed below 10 types of Indonesian girls who never date foreigners and what you can do to date them nonetheless.
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| Why would some girls refuse to date foreigners? |
The Ones Who Don't Want To Have Sex Before Marriage
A 2014 study from the Pew Research Center found that 97% of Indonesians considered pre-marital sex to be morally unacceptable. On the other end of the spectrum, only 6% of French agreed with that statement.
The 2010 Greater Jakarta Transition to Adulthood Survey asked 3,006 Indonesians between 20 and 34 years old about their sexual activity. 5% of women had had pre-marital sex and 16% of men.
Let me rephrase: Only 5% of unmarried Indonesian women between 20 and 34 living in Greater Jakarta were sexually active in 2010.
Since the population in the area is so large, it still represents over 300,000 girls. The 6,700,000 remaining girls will most likely not date foreigners as few of them can accept a sexless relationship.
How to date them:
Abstinence.
The 2010 Greater Jakarta Transition to Adulthood Survey asked 3,006 Indonesians between 20 and 34 years old about their sexual activity. 5% of women had had pre-marital sex and 16% of men.
Let me rephrase: Only 5% of unmarried Indonesian women between 20 and 34 living in Greater Jakarta were sexually active in 2010.
Since the population in the area is so large, it still represents over 300,000 girls. The 6,700,000 remaining girls will most likely not date foreigners as few of them can accept a sexless relationship.
How to date them:
Abstinence.
The Ones Who Are More Attracted to Indonesian Men and Culture
Many Indonesian girls just prefer the Indonesian type of men. Not everyone is a fan of our hairy legs and big nose. They also feel more connected with someone with the same background, the same culture, the same values and the same objectives. They will like typical Indonesian traits better.
I also think that if you grow up watching local actors, singers or models, you will probably want a boyfriend who look like them and behave like them.
How to date them:
Shave, groom well and immerse yourself in Indonesian culture (i.e. watch sinetrons).
I also think that if you grow up watching local actors, singers or models, you will probably want a boyfriend who look like them and behave like them.
How to date them:
Shave, groom well and immerse yourself in Indonesian culture (i.e. watch sinetrons).
The Ones Who Think the Choice of Foreigners is Too Poor
I met a few girls who don't date Jakarta expats and I don't blame them. They find the choice of good guys available to be poor. As a friend explained me, most serious expats are married or in a relationship. Among the ones available for dating, very few actually want any kind of commitment.
She also feels the pool of expats is so small that it seems everyone knows each other.
How to date them:
Tell them you "just arrived" in Jakarta and criticize the behaviour of other expats.
She also feels the pool of expats is so small that it seems everyone knows each other.
How to date them:
Tell them you "just arrived" in Jakarta and criticize the behaviour of other expats.
The Ones Who Are Afraid of What Society Might Think
When an Indonesian girl is dating a foreigner, it's just as if she was wearing a big sign saying "I'm not a virgin anymore".
Indonesians are obsessed with virginity. To work in the Police or the Military, women must pass a virginity test. Inspector General Moechgiyarto justified it saying that girls who are not virgins might be "prostitutes". The equation non-virgin equates prostitutes is deeply entrenched in the Indonesian psyche unfortunately.
Many Indonesian girls who date foreigners complain that they are called names when walking the street with their foreign boyfriends, or that they must face derogatory comments. Considering this, I can really understand why some girls would avoid dating expats.
How to date them:
Don't flirt with them in public. Take their numbers and chat with them through Line or WhatsApp.
Indonesians are obsessed with virginity. To work in the Police or the Military, women must pass a virginity test. Inspector General Moechgiyarto justified it saying that girls who are not virgins might be "prostitutes". The equation non-virgin equates prostitutes is deeply entrenched in the Indonesian psyche unfortunately.
Many Indonesian girls who date foreigners complain that they are called names when walking the street with their foreign boyfriends, or that they must face derogatory comments. Considering this, I can really understand why some girls would avoid dating expats.
How to date them:
Don't flirt with them in public. Take their numbers and chat with them through Line or WhatsApp.
The Ones Who Are Conventional
The Indonesian society is conservative. Most people are told from an early age about what should happen to them in the future and they stick to the plan. For instance, their is a huge consensus among Indonesians that husbands are the head of the household and that the wives should serve them (over 95% - see page 30 here).
Dating or marrying a foreigner is rarely part of this narrative. It is an abnormality on many levels that require some thinking outside the box. For this reason, some Indonesian girls may feel that they should date an Indonesian guy because it is natural and less complicated.
How to date them:
Wait until they get a reality check. Among Indonesian girls who date foreigners, many used to be conventional. They "switched" to bules because they became disappointed with the narrative they were served when they were younger.
Dating or marrying a foreigner is rarely part of this narrative. It is an abnormality on many levels that require some thinking outside the box. For this reason, some Indonesian girls may feel that they should date an Indonesian guy because it is natural and less complicated.
How to date them:
Wait until they get a reality check. Among Indonesian girls who date foreigners, many used to be conventional. They "switched" to bules because they became disappointed with the narrative they were served when they were younger.
The Ones Who Are High Maintenance
Many Indonesian girls expect that their boyfriend will provide for them. I had a Sundanese girlfriend for several years and all her friends were getting some benefits from their respective boyfriends. Some would get a monthly allowance, pulsa on requests, or nice gifts like phones, clothes, perfumes and trips to Bali. A few were even getting cars and nice apartments in downtown Jakarta (those who were dating married men).
If you look closely, the most beautiful Indonesian girls are rarely dating foreigners because they know that most of them would never pay for those things.
How to date them:
Work harder and make more money.
If you look closely, the most beautiful Indonesian girls are rarely dating foreigners because they know that most of them would never pay for those things.
How to date them:
Work harder and make more money.
The Ones Who Only Date Muslims
The law regarding interfaith marriage in Indonesia is complicated. As of today, the Indonesian Office of Religious Affairs forbids Muslims to marry people from different faith but allows it for Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists and Hindus.
It is therefore quite natural for a girl who is a devout Muslim to look for a companion of the same faith so that she can actually marry him. She will feel that there is no point in dating someone who does not share the same religious beliefs.
How to date them:
Convert to Islam.
It is therefore quite natural for a girl who is a devout Muslim to look for a companion of the same faith so that she can actually marry him. She will feel that there is no point in dating someone who does not share the same religious beliefs.
How to date them:
Convert to Islam.
The Ones Who Only Date Indo-Chinese
Rich Indonesian-Chinese girls are probably the hardest to date in Jakarta. They are very careful about their image in their community and they wouldn't ruin their reputation for a random guy. They will choose a boyfriend who will give them a better status.
They also tend to summarize some of the points mentioned above: Many will stay virgin until marriage and they are high-maintenance.
This is also true about the top 5% Indonesian political elite. Its members will often marry within that small community with motivations that are related to status more than love.
How to date them:
Mingle with the Indo-Chinese community and become accepted. Once you belong, you will date any girl easily. Avoid being poor though.
They also tend to summarize some of the points mentioned above: Many will stay virgin until marriage and they are high-maintenance.
This is also true about the top 5% Indonesian political elite. Its members will often marry within that small community with motivations that are related to status more than love.
How to date them:
Mingle with the Indo-Chinese community and become accepted. Once you belong, you will date any girl easily. Avoid being poor though.
The Ones Who Don't Dare
Many Indonesian girls do not dare dating foreigners because they are shy. Most often, they cannot speak English and feel embarrassed. They don't know the codes of dating someone from another culture: What to say, what to do, how to behave, etc. The fear of being judged is often greater than the fear of death in Indonesia.
Some may also feel they are not "worthy". Surprisingly, some girls who have a whiter skin think they won't be attractive to an expat who, they heard, prefer tanned skins (or this might be another case of humble bragging).
How to date them:
Learn Indonesian. It's the easiest language in the world you have no excuses. Smile all the time and repeat "tidak apa apa".
How to date them:
You need approval from the whole group of friends. Or you wait until they grow up and start to think for themselves (it usually happens after they graduate and start working).
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Some may also feel they are not "worthy". Surprisingly, some girls who have a whiter skin think they won't be attractive to an expat who, they heard, prefer tanned skins (or this might be another case of humble bragging).
How to date them:
Learn Indonesian. It's the easiest language in the world you have no excuses. Smile all the time and repeat "tidak apa apa".
The Ones Who Only Date Friends
Some Indonesian girls, particularly the younger ones in their late teens will only date guys from within their group of friends. They stick to the same closed group when they party, they do not use dating sites and they politely turn down any outsider trying to flirt with them. They will see a relationship with a foreigner as a threat to their belonging to the group.How to date them:
You need approval from the whole group of friends. Or you wait until they grow up and start to think for themselves (it usually happens after they graduate and start working).
